I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
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“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.