Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
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This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
JUDGE: your word is “cat”