You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
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You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
i smell a pulitzer
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.