I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
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Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.