I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
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watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?