I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.