I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
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God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
i dont have time for this
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!