I feel it
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[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
😅😅😅
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.