@GDUB18T

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

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@sunny_Nita_

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

@JessObsess

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

@samalmightysam

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

@girlfr0g

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

@Cornjerker78

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

@ehdannyboy

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@UNDEADTRESOR

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

@UrAvgDegenerate

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.