Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
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I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder
*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.