@GDUB18T

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

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@VerifiedDrunk

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

@smiles_and_nods

Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?

@Backthat_sid

Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.

@loribuckmajor

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

@skickwriter

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

@LibertyLayne01

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

@_correctomundo

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

@Average_Dad1

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

@panmidwest

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.