I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
That’s it.I’m out.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix