I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
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My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Mood.. 😂
Cheers Twitter.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Well well well…
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
From my Mom
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.