I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
You Might Also Like
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Don’t touch that.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
rapatouille