
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠