@AaronFullerton I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
@SaxMouse I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
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@AaronFullerton 
@lazerdoov Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
@seancehat [first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
@CindyBegel Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
@Tharin_P Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
@UnFitz Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
@weinerdog4life Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
@PoliticallyILL1 I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
@ChaseMit Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
@roxiqt I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.