@SaxMouse

I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”

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@_Water_Baby

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

@3_arbutus

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

@jonnysun

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

@junejuly12

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

@fowlerism

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

@RidiculousSheri

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

@jwoodham

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

@LuvPug

If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger

@mayamanion

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

@AndyrealAl

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠