@_Water_Baby No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
@SaxMouse I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
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@_Water_Baby 
@3_arbutus There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
@jonnysun a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
@junejuly12 To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
@fowlerism DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
@RidiculousSheri The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
@jwoodham Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
@LuvPug If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
@mayamanion Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
@AndyrealAl Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
