I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
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lmaaaaaooooooooo
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Covid like
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
hmm conte-me mais
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close