I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
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A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar