I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
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I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.