I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.