Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

Real House Wines.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

This billboard speaks to me

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.