I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
You Might Also Like
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
estão todos miauvindo?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.