I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
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“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
meanwhile over on facebook
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective