I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
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CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
this country is so goddamn polarized
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.