I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
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Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie