I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
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I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?