I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
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I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Where is your GOD now????
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
smh
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you