I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
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Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
FRED: right
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Lmao the reply
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this