I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
The asteroid..
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
So creative 😂
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Spell check is for lasers.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]