I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.