I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
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One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.