I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
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News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Spell check is for lasers.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us