i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
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looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
I want to meet the individual who made this
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.