I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.