I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
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Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.