I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
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I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit