I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
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Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.