I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
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You had me at “define legal”.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.