Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell

😂

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.