I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
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Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I just tested negative for patience.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.