I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.