Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

But is it really??

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

rest in peas

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!