@StanHels1ng

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

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@wildethingy

Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.

@DanMentos

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

@3sunzzz

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

@meganamram

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

@Roweboat13G

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

@daemonic3

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

@5oulhealer

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

@Cornjerker78

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

@truegritrumble

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

@OkieGirl405

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy