I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
You Might Also Like
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.