i feel so bad i refunded him
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I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
The Punning Dead.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.