I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
You Might Also Like
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.