I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
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“OMGJK” -atheists
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Lmao
“Sheer Arrogance”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?