i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Born to be mild.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.