I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.