“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
yea so i messed up lol
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.