I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
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When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.