I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house