I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
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My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.