I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
How to find Kentucky on a map