I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
