I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
True freaking story!
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.