I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
President The Rock Obama
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.